8.4 Understanding Goals in Conflict and The Scarf Model

Let’s imagine, for example, that I’m a student living with several roommates.

Substantive Goals – our ability to secure tangible resources and/or something measurable and visible that we desire.  Example – in a living situation with multiple roommates, I could have a substantive goal that our home is clean.

Process Goals – how events or processes unfold, how decisions are made, and how communication takes place. Continuing with the above example – in a living situation with multiple roommates, I could have a substantive goal that our home is clean, as well as a process goal that all the roommates clean up the kitchen as soon as they are done using it (cleaning is an event/process that is taking place).

Relationship Goals – How people relate to one another. Continuing with the above example – in a living situation with multiple roommates, I could have a substantive goal that our home is clean and a a process goal that all the roommates clean up the kitchen as soon as they are done using it., as well as a relationship goal that sharing the responsibility of cleaning is what makes a good roommate relationship.

Face Goals – How one’s self-image is perceived in a social setting. Continuing with the above example – in a living situation with multiple roommates, I could have a substantive goal that our home is clean. A process goal that all the roommates clean up the kitchen as soon as they are done using it. A relationship goal that sharing the responsibility of cleaning is what makes a good roommate relationship. And a face goal that my house is clean when I invite my friends and family over so they don’t think I am a slob.

As you can see in the above example of a living situation with multiple roommates, there could be disagreement or differing views with any one of the goals I listed.  Having a clean house isn’t important to everyone.  Having a set process for how shared kitchen cleaning happens isn’t important to everyone.  Having a “clean” roommate isn’t important to everyone.  And caring about what friends and family think about your house isn’t important to everyone.  These are the points where conflict happens, when we have seemingly incompatible goals OR someone is interfering with one of my goals.

This framework allows us, first, to start understanding ourselves in a conflict situation.  Think about a conflict you are currently experiencing.  Ask yourself, which type of goals do you have? Which goals do you perceive some type of incompatibility or interference with? If you have more than one goal, which goal is most important?  Once you understand what goals you really have in a conflict, you can start addressing the real issue and move towards resolving the conflict you are experiencing.

Once you start thinking about the conflict you have experienced in your lifetime, you will likely notice that you have a pattern in conflict situations.  Is there a type of goal interference that leads to most of your conflicts?  It is important to note here that substantive goals often times mask other goals when we bring up a conflict with others.  It is much easier to talk about “dirty dishes” (something tangible and visible) than it is to admit that you care about what your friends and family think about your home (face goal – self-image in relation to others).  One way to recognize this is happening, if someone does what you ask them to *(like clean the dishes) but you still find yourself upset, there is likely something else going on.   So when you think about the conflicts that you have experienced in your life, consider if you have masked the “real” conflict with something that is seemingly easier and less vulnerable to talk about.

The SCARF Model in Conflict

The second framework we will examine, The SCARF model, comes from David Rock out the Neuroscience Leadership Institute (2008). The SCARF model provides a framework to understand the five domains of human social experiences. David Rock and his team found that there are 5 areas of our brains that light up (via brain scan technology) during our social experiences.

1. Status – Sense of respect and importance in relation to others. “I am respected by my family, friends, and colleagues.”
2. Certainty – Sense of clarity to predict future outcomes. “I am confident I know what is coming next in my life.”
3. Autonomy – Sense of control over events that impact the future. “I am the master of my own destiny.”
4. Relatedness – Sense of connection with others in your groups. “I am connected to those around me.”
5. Fairness – Sense of non-biased and just treatment between people. “I am treated justly.”

These five areas can either be interpreted by us as a reward or threat based on the type of social experience we are having.  Conflict is, by its very nature, a social experience.  When we experience conflict we are experiencing the threat response side of the SCARF model. The different ways our brain interprets social experiences in the SCARF model is summarized in the table  below.

Table 8.13 SCARF MODEL – Domains of Human Social Experiences

Like with the types of goals framework above, many of us will have one of two areas in this SCARF model that will be regular conflict triggers for us.  For me, they are Autonomy and Certainty.  A lot of my conflicts surround these topics. Which of the SCARF domains triggers conflict for you?