3.14 Indirect Approach: Editing Practice
In the following activities, you will have a chance to apply the indirect approach, keeping in mind audience, purpose, tone, and organization as previously covered.
Exercises
Activity 1: Use the indirect approach to improve this persuasive email. Pay attention to word choice and sentence style.
___________________________________________________________________
From: Margo Sarian <ms@HWomwshelter.ca>
Sent: February 12, 2022 11:10 AM
To: Karen Beaumont <KMChampions4change.ca>
Subject: Please give a free speech
___________________________________________________________________
Hiya Karen
I work at Help Women Shelter, we are an organization that helps women recovering from abusive relationships. We get them places to live, offer counselling, and we try to give career advices.
Could you give a one-hour presentation on how women can enter trades at 1:00 pm on March 5?
We are a charitable organization, so we don’t have a lot of money. Therefore, we won’t be able to pay you. In return for you coming, we can give a lunch that our volunteers will be prepare.
The attachment is where you will find all the details.
We want you to come ‘cuz your as an advocate for women in trades, your impressive work at Champions4Change has helped guide and change of lives of many women. Just to let you know – At Help Women Shelter, we have often accessed your website’s toolbox that includes a wealth of information for women who are interested in pursuing careers in trades. By the way, the conference includes several female speaking who will offer financial, parenting, and self-care tips. Since we are a charity, guest speakers are volunteering their time. They are coming for free.
300 abused woman who will be attending our conference will get information from you and they will have inspiration.
Please confirm your participation in our worthy conference. Again, sorry we can’t pay you.
Sincerely,
Margo Sarian, Office Administrator
Help Women Shelter
456 Heron Street, Toronto M6G 8P5, ON
416 789-5643
Exercises
Activity 2: Reorganize and correct the grammatical and sentence choice errors in this messy email that denies a refund.
___________________________________________________________________
From: Marie Dasgupta <mdasgupt@sparkle.ca>
Sent: March 12, 2022
To: Anne Gavrilo <anneg@gmail.ca>
Subject: Your recent bracelet purchase
___________________________________________________________________
Dear Ms. Gavrilo:
Thank you for your email. However, I am writing to inform you that Sparkle Accessories cannot offer you a refund on the bracelet. We are unable to offer you a refund. However, as a gesture of good will, we are sending you a coupon for your next purchase. We are sending this coupon so that you can get a 50% discount on your next purchase.
The reason that we cannot offer you a refund is because you simply did not follow the user instructions indicated on the product. Sparkle Accessories creates affordable products that are durable if the users wear them properly. Our jewelry is not designed to be worn in swimming pools. In fact, our bracelets are made from cost-effective alloys that are coated with long-lasting, high-quality nickel plating. Wearing them in the water will cause discoloration and erode the strength of the products.
Chlorine can damage and discolor metals and can slowly erode the finish and polish.
We believe that fashion shouldn’t be exclusive or intimidating – it should be celebrated with youthful confidence and fearless enthusiasm.
At Sparkle Accessories we take pride in offering consumers affordable, durable and trendy accessories.
Sincerely,
Marie Dasgupta
Marie Dasgupta, Client Services Manager
Sparkle Jewelry
769 Edward Street, Richmond Hill, ON L4D 1P5
905 508-6670
mdasgupt@sparkle.ca
