1.16 Concise and Precise Writing: Sentence Level
Keep sentences parallel
Ensure sentences are parallel in structure for concision.
| Weak | Creating the employee feedback survey and to get employees to complete it were the two challenges we encountered. | Carla Novak told her employees that they should create a company email account, suspicious emails should not be opened, and should be using anti-virus software when working from home. | During product introduction sessions, our sales associates expect having enough time to present the product and answer questions from prospective clients. |
|---|---|---|---|
| Improved | Creating the employee feedback survey and getting employees to complete it were the two challenges we encountered. | Carla Novak told her employees that they should create a company email account, they should not open suspicious emails, and they should use anti-virus software when working from home. | During product introduction sessions, our sales associates expect to have enough time to present the product and to answer questions from prospective clients. |
Avoid unnecessary passive voice
Use the active voice if possible.
| Weak | A product demonstration can be arranged by our sales associate. | The credit report was reviewed by Alex Burns and it was approved by Susan Wong. |
|---|---|---|
| Improved | Our sales associate can arrange a product demonstration. | Alex Burns reviewed the credit report, and Susan Wong approved it. |
Eliminate obvious/unnecessary information
Include only necessary information.
| Weak | I have discussed the situation with my supervisor and she said she has approved my vacation request. | I had a luncheon meeting with Julian Chan, procurement manager for ABC Importers, and he said that they would like to purchase 5000, one-liter-bottles of olive oil from us this quarter. |
|---|---|---|
| Improved | My supervisor approved my vacation request. | Julian Chan confirmed that ABC Importers will purchase 5000, one-liter bottles of olive oil from us this quarter. |
Avoid unnecessary there/it sentences
Rewrite unnecessary “there/it” sentences.
| Weak | There are two candidates who did well on our writing test. | There are two ergonomic office chairs we are considering purchasing. | It is increasing consumer confidence that is our goal. |
|---|---|---|---|
| Improved | Two candidates did well on our writing test. | We are considering purchasing one of the two ergonomic office chairs. | Increasing consumer confidence is our goal. |
Rewrite choppy sentences
Choppy sentences occur when two or more short, simple sentences are presented back-to-back. To fix choppy sentences, combine them using appropriate transitions.
| Weak | Baljinder and Fatima are highly competent technicians. They decided to start their own business. |
|---|---|
| Improved | Since Baljinder and Fatima are highly competent technicians, they decided to start their own business.
Baljinder and Fatima are highly competent technicians, so they decided to start their own business. Baljinder and Fatima are highly competent technicians; therefore, they decided to start their own business. |
Reduce coordinated sentences
Remove the subject or the subject and verb in coordinated sentences if clarity is not compromised.
| Weak | We first examined the data, and then we adjusted our predictions. | He wants a pay raise, and he also wants increased vacation time. | She will draw up the contract based on those points, and she’ll include a special clause dealing with potential Covid disruptions. |
|---|---|---|---|
| Improved | We first examined the data and then adjusted our predictions. | He wants a pay raise and increased vacation time. | She will draw up the contract based on those points and will include a special clause dealing with potential Covid disruptions. |
Rewrite lengthy subordinate sentences that bury important information
Highlight the main point of your writing by rewriting a lengthy subordinate clause.
| Weak | Although we experienced a weak second quarter because of manufacturing issues, and our stock price tittered due to fluctuations in the European market that caused the company to lay off employees, the CFO is happy to report that we are on target for a profitable year. | The plumbers are fixing the leak in the employee lunch room and, we apologize for the inconvenience, we have closed the lunch room until January 20. |
|---|---|---|
| Improved | The CFO is happy to report that we are on target for a profitable year despite earlier challenges with manufacturing issues, European market fluctuations, and employee lay-offs. | Since the plumbers are fixing the leak in the employee lunch room, we have closed the lunch room until January 20. We apologize for the inconvenience.
or We have closed the lunch room until January 20 since the plumbers are fixing the leak. We apologize for the inconvenience. |
Reduce subordinated sentences
Both adjective and adverbial clauses can be reduced for concision. This technique is recommended only if the reduction does not impede the clarity of the original sentence.
| Sentence with adjective clause | Reduced Sentence |
|---|---|
| The woman who is standing at the podium is the founder of the company. | The woman standing at the podium is the company founder. |
| We found a file that discusses our pending merger in the lobby. | We found the file discussing our pending merger in the lobby.
The file discussing our pending merger was found in the lobby. The file that was found in the lobby discusses our pending merger. |
| We will interview candidates whose qualifications meet our requirements. | We will interview the candidates meeting our requirements.
The candidates meeting our requirements will be interviewed. The candidates whose qualifications meet our requirements will be interviewed. |
| The store where our new line of cookies was being launched had a huge line of people outside it. | The store launching our new line of cookies had a huge lineup outside it. |
| I’ll always remember when you and I worked on the “Kids Healthy Breakfast” campaign. | I’ll always remember working on the “Kids Healthy Breakfast” campaign with you. |
| The words which are underlined in red need to be changed. | The words underlined in red need to be changed. |
| The computers which have been updated have been returned to employees. | The updated computers have been returned. |
| June is the month when we file our corporate tax returns. | We file our corporate tax returns in June. |
How to reduce an adjective clause
- Remove the relative pronoun.
- In the active voice, change the verb to its present participle (ing form). For passive voice reductions keep the past participle verb form (ed form). Sometimes the verb form is omitted all together, functioning instead as a modifier.
| Relative pronoun | The employees who work in the front office got a raise last year. | The products which were launched last year are doing very well. | Stanislav Gabor, who is an accountant, wrote a book about money laundering in Canada. |
|---|---|---|---|
| Relative pronoun removed | Employees working in the front office got a raise last year. (present participle) | The products launched last year are doing well. (past participle) | Stanislav Gabor, an accountant, wrote a book about money laundering in Canada. (no verb) |
Reduced adverbial clauses
A reduced adverb clause refers to the shortening of an adverb clause that denotes time or causality. An adverb clause can be shortened only if the subject of both the dependent (the adverb) clause and independent clause are the same.
| Sentence with adverb clause |
Reduced Sentence |
|---|---|
| After he worked a 12-hour overtime shift, he slept for a long time. | After working a 12-hour overtime shift, he slept for a long time. |
| Since I have been a receptionist at The Toronto Opera Company, I have learned to appreciate opera. | Since being a receptionist at The Toronto Opera Company, I have learned to appreciate opera. |
| Before Alyssa started her day, she picked up a latte from the cafeteria. | Before starting her day, Alyssa picked up a latte from the cafeteria. |
| As Alexander was driving to work, he reviewed the sticking point impeding the contract negotiations. | Driving to work, Alexander reviewed the sticking point impeding the contract negotiations. |
| While Alexander was driving to work, he reviewed the sticking point impeding the contract negotiations. | (While) driving to work, Alexander reviewed the sticking point impeding the contract negotiations. |
| As soon as I smelled the smoke, I told all the workers to leave the factory floor. | Upon smelling the smoke, I told all the workers to leave the factory floor. |
| As soon as they received the replacement parts, the engineers began fixing the faulty machine. | On receiving the replacement parts, the engineers began fixing the faulty machine. |
How to Reduce an Adverbial Clause
- Determine if the “time” transition should be kept, eliminated, or changed.
- As should be eliminated.
- While can be eliminated or kept.
- Before and after must be eliminated.
- As soon as must be changed to either, on, or upon.
- Remove the subject from the first clause.
- Change the verb to the present participle (ing) form.
Revise lengthy prepositional phrases
| Lengthy | Our accountant noted the error in addition in the report from the sales team. | We are looking for people with experience in financial risk to join our team of accountants. |
|---|---|---|
| Reduced | Our accountant noted the addition error in the sales team’s report. | We are looking for financial risk experts to join our accounting team. |
Exercises
Rewrite the following sentences to make them more concise.
- Since our manager is new and since he is not so familiar with our overtime compensation procedures, we are going to pause all overtime requests until the month of April.
- The fire that occurred in our industrial kitchen was minor; nevertheless, if the operation manual, which is clearly posted above the fryer, on how to use the deep fryer had been followed, the incident could have been avoided.
- The arbitrator who was selected to deal with the labour issues and whose reputation for fairness is well known, will review the contentious issues with great care.
- It would be good to discuss this with Anna. She is the controller. I’ll call her soon.
- In order to participate in the work-from-home program, employees require a functioning computer and a microphone. They should also have a stable internet connection.
- Although we experienced a setback because of procurement issues, and even though we couldn’t get enough staff because of Covid, we are happy to report that we announce that our summer activewear line will be in stores by April.
- The coffee table that was broken, that was in our reception lounge, has been replaced.
- We have to get the apples from the spraying machine. Only at that time can we begin to process them for pies.
- It is necessary to do a thorough security check on each and every candidate. Henceforth, we can decide which candidate is best for the job.
- After we are apprised of and competent in the calibration of our new solar power generating system, our entire plant will be able to be run on solar generating power.
