1.4: Use Your EARS: 4 Habits for Effective Listening

Before the Conversation

If possible, take a moment to imagine how a conversation might play out before it starts. You might make a list of facts you know and things you don’t know. You might brainstorm a few questions that you’d like answered. You might even imagine how a speaker will react to tough questions or imagine what their answers could possibly be.

Just remember that you’re only picturing possibilities. The point of a conversation is that the speaker has the opportunity to speak for themselves. Don’t get so caught up in your imagination that you become emotional or closed-minded about things that haven’t even been said. If you assume you know the other person’s answers before they speak, it may cause you overlook important new details or perspectives. Be sure to keep your mind–and your EARS–wide open.

EARS: 4 Habits for Effective Listening

EARS stands for: (1. ) Encourage the speaker”; (2.) “Ask questions”; (3.) “Read non-verbals”; and (4.) “Slow or share.”

1. Encourage the speaker:

Be receptive to what the other person has to say, even if you’re not sure you agree. Remember, being receptive does not mean being passive. Give the speaker cues so that they know that you want to hear what they have to say. You might find yourself opening up to new perspectives if you encourage them to share theirs.

• Use verbal signals or words:
  • use small sounds to show support, appreciation, or understanding of what the speaker is saying.
  • if you need to clarify an important point, ask if you can reiterate the speaker’s words. Use a phrase like “Are you saying that…?” or “I hear you saying…Is that right?”
• Use non-verbal signals or body language:
  • make eye contact to show respectful attention;
  • smile or show appropriate reactions with your facial expression;
  • nod your head to show understanding and encouragement.

2. Ask questions:

Just as well-timed traffic lights create flow for vehicles and pedestrians on the street, this “traffic light” approach to asking questions can create flow in conversations and interviews.

Some questions encourage your partner to give detailed, information-rich answers. These are typically called “open-ended” questions. Some questions limit your partner to short, simple answers. These are typically called “closed-ended questions.” The secret is to ask the right kind of question at the right time. The “traffic light” approach to asking questions increases your options by elaborating on the idea of open/closed questions.

• Red light questions will stop the speaker’s flow. Their closed-ended structure implies that only brief, factual answers are needed.
  • These questions limit your partner to yes/no answers or other short, simple answers.
  • They are effective for confirming something that’s already been said or redirecting a speaker who is losing focus.
  • The risk of this approach is that too many red light questions in a row will shut down a conversation.
    • Ex. “Did you like the food?”

• Yellow light questions can speed up OR slow down the speaker. The effect depends on the specific question and how the respondent feels like answering.
  • These include 5WH questions (who? what? when? where? why? how?).
  • They are often effective for obtaining basic, factual information.
  • The risk of this approach is that, even though they indicate your interest, your partner might answer too concisely or abruptly.
    • Ex. “Where did you go after dinner?”

• Green light questions open up the conversation, encouraging the speaker to “go,” or say more.
  • These include TED questions (questions that start with “tell,” “explain,” or “describe”).
  • They are effective for establishing rapport or creating an overall mental model of an incident or event.
  • The risk of this approach is that your partner might over-share, creating an imbalanced conversation where they do all the talking.
    • Ex. “Tell me more about how your night went?”

While each type of question has its uses, the person asking the questions should use more green light and yellow light questions than red light questions. Just as green lights create flow in traffic, those open-ended, “green light” questions create flow in conversation.

3. Read non-verbals:

Consider these scenarios:

You are walking down a street at night when a big stranger steps out of an alley in front of you. A hood is pulled down over his eyes. He smiles slowly, flexes his hands, and says, “Don’t worry. I’m not going to hurt you.” He looks up to lock eyes with you and takes a step closer.

You are out for dinner with a friend and you ask if they’re having a good time. “Sure,” they say. “I’m having a great time.” They look out the window, drum their fingers on the tabletop, and squeeze their lips tightly together when they finish speaking.

You are getting settled in class, pulling out your notebook and taking off your coat when you look up to see your crush looking at you. They blink rapidly. They blush, smile, and quickly look away. They tuck their hair behind their ear, glance back your way, and look down at their hands.

What is being communicated in these situations?

Experts estimate that 70%-90% of communication comes from signs and signals other than word choice. Studies also show that when spoken words and non-verbal signals contradict each other, people will intuitively believe what non-verbal body and vocal signals are communicating rather than the words themselves. On their own, each of these qualities doesn’t necessarily reveal too much. Some people speak more quickly than others out of habit, while some people are naturally quieter than others. When some people blush it lights them up, when some people blush you can hardly tell. Instead of trying to pin down one quality and over-analyzing what it means, look and listen for clusters, patterns, and sudden changes in any of the following qualities.

• Watch for body language: posture, eye contact, facial expression, blushing, sweating, hand gestures, spatial distancing.
  • Does the speaker’s body language seem consistent with what their words are saying? Or does it seem to contradict it?
  • There are many reasons why a person’s body language might make a person seem anxious: avoiding eye contact is not always a sign of dishonesty or disinterest.
  • Different cultures express body language differently:
    • what might seem disrespectful to you might be a sign of respect in another culture (ex. standing very close to another person).
    • what might seem respectful to you might appear aggressive or threatening to someone from a different background (ex. direct eye contact).

• Listen for changes in vocal qualities: speed, volume, pitch, and tone

• • Speed: How fast or slow are they speaking? When conversation shifts to a particular topic or incident, do they speed up nervously? Or do they slow right down, almost to the point of awkward silence?
  • Volume: What could it mean if they suddenly start speaking louder? What could it mean if their voice suddenly becomes very quiet?
  • Pitch: Can you observe if their voice suddenly shoots up and the notes sound high? Or are they trying to drop to deep, low notes?
  • Tone: Tone is the emotional resonance of a sound or the “feel” of a voice. Imagine if you were listening to an acoustic guitar, a grand piano, and a kazoo all playing the same musical note. Would each feel the same? One might ring out happily, one might resonate impressively, and one might buzz annoyingly. These are examples of tone. If a speaker’s voice is at a high-note pitch, is it light and airy? Or is it tight and anxious? If a speaker’s voice is pitched at low notes, is it deep and reassuring like a warm hug? Or is it growly and threatening?

4. Slow or share: manage the pace of a conversation

Too often, instead of truly listening, we’re just impatiently waiting for our turn to talk. Some people don’t even wait. They just interrupt and talk over top of the speaker. Not only is this rude, it prevents you from really taking in the information or feelings that the speaker is trusting you with. Resist the urge to force the flow. When investigators are conducting interviews, they aim for the 80/20 Rule. The person being interviewed should speak for 80% of the time while the investigator should only speak for 20% of the time.

Slow yourself down:

• Let the conversation unfold:
  • Avoid leading questions (questions that hint at the answer you want to hear).
  • Avoid imposing your own opinions or theories onto the speaker.
  • Avoid becoming over-excited, accusatory, or intimidating.
• Allow for occasional silences.
  • You might feel anxious at this prospect, but a brief silence gives you and the speaker an opportunity to collect your thoughts.
  • It also allows you both to process the other’s point of view.

If, on the other hand, the silences are long, awkward, and unbearable, you may need to work on the connection between you and the speaker. If that’s the case, you may need to build trust by sharing from your own experience.

Share your experiences and vulnerabilities:

Experts call this “mirroring.” When you can reflect back what the speaker is describing in a meaningful way, the speaker feels heard in an authentic way. As a bonus, when you share, they feel that they’re hearing you. They, in turn, often share more with you, and the communication builds from there. This is empathy in action. It is the foundation of emotional intelligence and the key to successful relationships.

• Tell, explain, or describe an experience of your own that has something in common with the speaker’s situation.
• Even people with radically different political views can find that they have shared emotional experiences, beliefs, or personal values.
• Honesty is non-negotiable: if you connect over a shared vulnerability or experience, it better be real. If it turns out to be a lie, your relationship will be ruined beyond repair.

Remember that “sympathy” is feeling bad for someone else and their situation. A strong listener strives for “empathy,” where you actually feel what the other person is feeling. Sharing your vulnerabilities–in appropriate measure–is a short-cut to empathy. Do, however, be careful not to over-share. This can be not only exhausting, but also overwhelming to the other person. Always balance “sharing” with the first “S” of EARS: “Slow down.”