18 Life As a Grad Student Dealing with Anxiety and Depression – Jess H.
I didn’t realize I had an anxiety issue until entering my PhD at McMaster. I always just thought I got a little stressed and had issues with claustrophobia, and other very specific situations made me uncomfortable. On the recommendation of my supervisor, I started therapy because I was struggling with Imposter Syndrome in the second year of my PhD. I was lucky to have found a really great therapist and to have started working with her, because shortly after, my mom was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. We weren’t sure if she had two months or two years to live, but it was serious. This situation went from a treatable breast cancer diagnosis, to a serious breast cancer diagnosis, to a brain cancer diagnosis that got more and more scary.
Over the last several years I’ve attended therapy to help with my pain surrounding my mother’s diagnosis, but my therapist and I have also realized that I have a lot of anxiety. Likely, I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress syndrome (from another family member’s traumatic death), though my therapist doesn’t like labels —which I think is great and also kind of annoying. I also have trouble with what I call situational depression, and the situation had been pretty rough for several years, with my mom becoming more and more sick, and with PhDs being, you know…hard. I have also struggled in my grad program because I am so anxious and have so much self-doubt and so all of these ‘issues’ really seem to feed each other.
During my second year at Mac, I went on a leave of absence during my comprehensive exams, which are a really stressful time for any PhD student, and this on top of everything else that was going on did not add up to a very calm, happy me. I am glad the Graduate Chair of my department suggested I take the leave. I really thought I could handle all of this (I don’t think I could have). They were kind, logical, and compassionate and explained it was probably the best choice for me. During that time, and for at least a year after it, I had trouble not panicking in elevators, and I had other weird ‘ticks’ that my wonderful husband was unrelentingly patient with. I taught yoga at a nearby studio but was too afraid to drive myself because I was too stressed out by trying to park in a tiny parking lot. He dropped me off and picked me up twice a week for about a year. My anxiety controlled me often, and although I knew some mindfulness techniques, taught meditation, and knew the benefit of yoga for anxiety, depression, and trauma, I don’t think I practiced what I preached in class or took the time to really sit with uncomfortable feelings or meditate. I also think there was a lot more I had to learn about all of these topics as well and had really only scratched the surface in terms of these practices.
I really struggled to sit down and meditate or even do yoga during that leave of absence. I think the pain was too great, and as my awesome therapist says, “your body was telling you something.” She thinks (though she won’t outwardly say it) that my body and mind were telling me I wasn’t ready, and she was probably right. But, I would have loved to push through the pain and get that mindfulness “in” and solve all of my problems. I sometimes look back on that year and wish I had forced myself to join a yoga studio and get cracking on the “healing.” But I think it’s important to remember that sometimes we aren’t ready or that this is a process and really tiny baby steps are necessary and also okay.
Looking back now, it’s hard to believe how much I struggled with day-to-day activities and how much I let my self-doubt pull me down. Therapy has helped me to understand my patterns and meditating almost every day for the past 3 years has helped me to notice them. I have also realized how much exercise helps, and I have taken up long distance running. Another thing that has helped has been talking to my peers. I know I am not the first person to encourage increased vulnerability (I wish I was Brené Brown ;), but opening up and having others open up about how hard grad school is and the places where we have all faltered, failed, or made mistakes normalizes those things. Everyone in grad school is trying to put on a brave face, but inside, everyone is panicked. I think some more than others (like me, I am probably pretty high on the internal panic, self-doubt, and shame scale), but everyone is having similar feelings. I have had the benefit of always being a very open person, and slowly, over the years, my peers have felt that it is okay to tell me (and others) their stories too. I think we really need to build up peer support in higher education.
I also think (again, not ground-breaking) we need to recognize that people respond to stress in different ways. During my leave, one of my best friends and fellow student, kept telling me to just “buck up” and I kept responding that I just couldn’t. I hadn’t been coming into school to work very often because I felt uncomfortable that I was “the student whose mom had brain cancer” and because I was not sure of the rules surrounding my leave. Was I supposed to be gone? Should I be at school? Should I be working openly? And should I be sad all the time because my mom is dying? So there was a lot going on there. Being told to just come to school, get back to work, and get my shit together made me feel like my feelings weren’t valid and it made me angry. It also made me feel ashamed, because apparently I wasn’t doing “this” right. It also took a lot of therapy to even figure those feelings out. So I think we need to make space for people and their feelings and reactions to their experiences.
Along these same lines, for me, it has been important to recognize that my feelings are valid. I’ve apologized to my best friend since grade school for being such a downer all the time and she said that I had “a lot going on, and have for some time,” and that how I was handling everything was okay. I teared up just getting that recognition. I’ve had my supervisor tell me they could not be in grad school dealing with what I am, and my new doctor seemed shocked at all the shit I have going on. So, while I don’t think we need to rely on other people to validate us, sometimes it is nice to hear that I’m not ‘crazy’ and my stuff is hard.
Working on my sense of self has also helped. I’m the kind of person that thinks I’m crap at everything and am also really hard on myself because I’m a perfectionist (it’s very fun). So, slowly realizing that I don’t suck, and I’m actually quite capable, has helped a lot. During the really tough years I wouldn’t apply for conferences or scholarships or ask for opportunities because I thought I wasn’t worthy of those things (I also didn’t have the energy or mental capacity for some of these things). I still get really stressed out trying new things, and question myself when I apply to opportunities, but now I treat the experience in a different way and I also know that whatever happens, it does not define me.
This leads me to some thoughts about anxiety, depression, and feelings of self-doubt that are brought out, or catalysed, in grad school. I think it’s really important not to define ourselves by our work. This is really hard, because the way that grad school is structured basically makes our work all encompassing. But, I think trying to have time for hobbies and to talk to people who aren’t in grad school is extremely important to our identities. Developing these skills and relationships (and doing things we love) can bolster us, especially during stressful times.
As someone who is female identifying and is perceived as female as I move through the world, this has made some of these things harder. Being ignored, talked over, and having it be assumed that I am not as smart or capable as my male counterparts can be really hard. It adds to my anxiety and self-doubt, and honestly, it just makes me mad too (which I can’t let on that I am). Giving myself pep talks that I am smart and capable and then being condescended to for not knowing the answer to a question that would never be asked of a male colleague can be really upsetting. Luckily, I have female peers that can clarify that “yes that did just happen.” Intersectionality is more on the radar these days, but I think it is also an important factor in how people are treated and the resources they have access to. Some recommendations I have are: encouraging a gender discrimination free academic setting, workshops on intersectionality for graduate students and also supervisors, open avenues of communication between students and supervisors, and developing peer support groups.
My final thought is also not original, but definitely important. Mental health still needs so much stigma removed. When I went on that leave, the official reason was to care for my mom, because I was afraid to write on the form that I was depressed or that it was for medical reasons and have depression be assumed. I am still hesitant to put this in print, and there are things I have omitted because I’m not comfortable having them immortalized in print. I have also submitted this piece under a pseudonym because, unfortunately, I worry about stigma surrounding what I have said impacting future employment. I would also add that I recently got a doctor’s note stating that I might be working slower right now because of immune issues I’m having. That is entirely true, but it does not include the fact that I am also still working with depression and anxiety. I hope that if I need to fill out a form of this kind again in 10 years, I can openly state any mental health things that are going on.
I hope that others can move through the world with their disability or different ability, stressors, and challenges as they need to and that they have access to the resources they need. Thanks for reading.
Recommendations for the University and for Professors:
- Get to know your grad students when they arrive at Mac and let them get to know you too! Continue working on that relationship throughout their time with you, because it may allow them to feel comfortable discussing stressors and how you might be able to help.
- Encourage your grad students to have hobbies or to participate in activities. Continue to have opportunities for grad students on campus like the grad lunches put on the Graduate Students Association.
- I want to acknowledge that it may be frustrating to ‘deal’ with students who are behind in their work or struggling because of mental health or other disabilities. Try to empathize with graduate students; they are often isolated, stressed by a heavy workload, financially strained (and working elsewhere or within the university to aid with this), worried about their future job prospects, and have other things going on as well. Think of a time when you struggled or knew someone who did and let that bring you the patience and kindness that they need.
- Increase benefits/coverage for graduate students who need or want to speak with a mental health professional (also noting that all grad students should be able to access equivalent benefits regardless of their position in the university – e.g., TA/RA role).
- Make self-help and wellness modules available on Avenue to Learn.