CASE STUDY 10: SANDIRAN

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Background

Sandiran is the youngest child of three, with an older brother and sister, all three years apart. Sandiran’s parents immigrated to Canada from Sri Lanka.

Family and Systemic Violence Witnessed/Experienced

Sandiran’s father suffered the trauma of civil war in Sri Lanka, and after coming to Canada, he was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. Over the years, to keep his paranoia in control, he began consuming alcohol and became addicted. Sandiran’s earliest memory of witnessing FV was when they were four or five when their father slammed their mother’s head against the wall. The abuse occurred regularly at night, and Sandiran and their siblings observed the violence. Their mother slept in Sandiran and their sister’s room to protect herself, but that did not stop their father. Sandiran and their sister would wake up in the middle of the night to find their father beating their mother. However, Sandiran and their siblings had to maintain secrecy about their family situation.

Sandiran’s mother insisted that the children not disclose what was going on at home to anyone to ensure Child Protection Services (CPS), the school, and counselors would not get involved. Sandiran now understands that rule and is thankful, as it kept the siblings from being taken into care by the state. Sandiran’s school was in an affluent neighbourhood, and the teachers would encourage Sandiran to seek the support of their parents for help with their homework. It was clear to Sandiran that these teachers did not and could not understand their domestic reality. As a result, Sandiran did not view the school as a safe space or teachers as persons with whom they could share what they were experiencing at home.

As children, Sandiran and their siblings also faced other challenges. Sandiran was raised in public housing in a low-income area known at the time for gang activity. Neighbours frequently drank at night and were loud, yelling and pounding on the walls. Occasionally, Sandiran would hear people within the building pounding on their door at night. Sandiran’s father was unable to work because of his mental illness. Their mother had to work to support the family, which she continued even after their father went on social assistance (welfare). Ten years later, their father was hospitalized in a psychiatric institution and started receiving disability benefits, which eased the family’s financial assistance somewhat. Sandiran’s mother managed the family finances and communicated to the children that they had to be very careful with their own money, as she could not support them financially. As a result, Sandiran and their brother began working as soon as possible to contribute to the family’s household income.

When Sandiran and their siblings were in upper elementary and early high school, they decided to try and stop their father’s physical attacks on their mother. Sandiran and their sister intervened by barricading their bedroom door with their beds, and if their father entered, they pinched and pulled him out. As Sandiran’s older brother was the firstborn and male, he played a more active role than the other siblings in stopping the abuse.

The family violence has continued over the years, with Sandiran still playing an active role in intervening and trying to stop the abuse. When Sandiran was in university, their brother and sister began experiencing mental health challenges, leaving Sandiran to protect their mother. When Sandiran heard a commotion of any kind, they would run to defend their mother by either explaining to their father that what he was doing was not acceptable or threatening him when he threatened their mother. Sandiran and their mother felt they had no other option but to remove their father’s alcohol and access to money. When they stopped giving him money, their father became violent with Sandiran and their mother. Sandiran acted in self-defence and threatened him with calling the cops or having him institutionalized. The family continues to live together.

At the time of the interview, Sandiran was attending a medical program in an Ontarian city. They were in touch with their father, mother and sister and provided support to all of them. They attributed their academic success to their mother and wished to support their family after they completed their education.

Experiences while Accessing Supports

Because of their father’s mental health concerns and their family’s poverty, the Tamil community ostracized their family. This included distant relatives, family friends and Sandiran’s father’s brother and his children. According to Sandiran, as racialized immigrant, they experienced the pressure of having to fulfill the expectation of a model minority immigrant by assimilating into Western Euro-centric culture. In keeping with this, Sandiran thought they had to stay under the radar and concentrate on academics. It also included limiting interaction with anyone deemed dangerous. This added to their segregation and marginalization.

At 17, Sandiran attempted to volunteer at a neighbourhood organization but was considered too young and was offered the services of the organization instead. The leaders were Black women who were social workers and knew the realities of the low-income, racialized families living in their neighbourhood. Throughout the 2.5–3 years Sandiran accessed their services they also disclosed the FV and mental health crises at home. However, in a discussion between the leaders of the organization and Sandiran, one of the leaders used a derogatory stereotype about South Asians that they walk around “stone-faced” (emotionless), which destroyed Sandiran’s trust in them and they stopped accessing their services.

Sandiran’s search for support continued, and while in college, Sandiran disclosed the FV to a physician, and the doctor encouraged them to see a counselor. Sandiran sought counselling services through the college and was paired with a white, middle-class woman. In Sandiran’s opinion, the counselor did not understand what it meant to be racialized. Sandiran also disclosed the FV they witnessed throughout their life. Since the counselors they met did not recognize their experience of FV as traumatic, Sandiran stopped accessing their support.

In 2016, when Sandiran was 21 years old, they visited Sri Lanka to meet relatives. Sandiran was excited to listen to people’s stories of their lives and hear about their parents before migrating to Canada. However, the environment in Sri Lanka was stressful and constrained. In Sri Lanka, Sandiran was presumed to be a cisgendered female and was not allowed to move around freely; a number of rules were imposed on them. Sandiran noticed a lot of distrust between people, a legacy of the war and the community talking poorly of everyone. Sandiran reached a breaking point when they heard their mother’s two sisters and their children talking negatively of Sandiran’s mother. Soon after, Sandiran started having harmful thoughts, resulting in severe psychosis. They experienced delusional thoughts, became emotionally agitated and impatient, and yelled at people. Upon their return to Canada, Sandiran consulted a psychiatrist available through their university. The mental health concerns escalated to suicidal ideation. However, when they thought about their father and sister who were trying to survive with their mental health challenges, they were reminded of their own strength and were inspired to live and survive.

Impacts of Family and Systemic Violence

Living in poverty has directly impacted Sandiran’s emotional and mental well-being, magnifying the negative impact of the FV they experienced at home. Even on nights when there were no violent altercations, Sandiran was afraid. Sandiran always dreaded that their father would murder their mother. Therefore, when neighbours were loud and pounded on their door, Sandiran was sure they would break in and murder the family. As a result, Sandiran lived in constant fear.

Sandiran experienced isolation, a lack of trust and a feeling that no one was there to support them or their family. Sandiran constructed the world as a terrible place, where people do not care about others. Based on this thinking, Sandiran believed that they could not trust others. Sandiran also internalized what was happening at home and wanted to self-destruct. Every day, Sandiran considered jumping off the balcony or jumping in front of a moving vehicle. When they were 8 or 9 years old, Sandiran attempted suicide a few times. Until they were 17, Sandiran was heavily depressed and had suicidal ideation.

The family’s financial situation continues to affect Sandiran. However, they cannot offer the family any financial support now that they are studying in another city. Currently, Sandiran carries an immense amount of anxiety about this.

Sandiran manages not to let FV and their family’s situation disrupt their academic performance by emotionally numbing themselves and forcing themselves to transition from chaos to normalcy quickly and seamlessly. For instance, when Sandiran’s older sister attacked their mother during her first mental health crisis, Sandiran stayed overnight with her in the hospital and on the following day, they wrote a biology test and remembers smiling throughout the day. This is how Sandiran has managed to succeed in their academic career.

When Sandiran was writing their thesis in a graduate program during the COVID-19 pandemic, they experienced extreme dissonance between their home and academic life. When the university closed its doors because of COVID-19, Sandiran lost their quiet space to work. Sandiran snuck into the university and evaded security to do their work. After being caught by a professor, Sandiran was removed from the university campus even after they shared their domestic difficulties. Despite these barriers, Sandiran completed their thesis and was accepted into medical school.

Sandiran witnessed FV replaying itself inter and intra-generationally. As children, Sandiran and their two older siblings physically fought with each other. Their older brother and sister have hated each other throughout their lives, and their brother physically abuses their sister. Because of this and other issues, Sandiran’s sister has developed a severe mental illness, which led her to be physically violent with Sandiran’s mother.

While the siblings physically fought each other as children, Sandiran and their brother have grown out of the violence and have had a good relationship. When Sandiran was bullied at school, their brother came to support them. According to Sandiran, he is a good big brother. Sandiran has significant respect for the pressure he faces being the first-born and first-male child. However, in 2016 when Sandiran was going through a severe mental health crisis, a situation unfolded in their family and their brother responded harshly to Sandiran. They could not accept such a response from their brother. Since then, Sandiran and their brother have not had a real conversation. In their opinion, their brother has internalized the FV he has witnessed and responds like their father. Currently, their brother is going through something difficult, and as awkward as it is, Sandiran is trying to be there for him and rebuild the relationship.

Growing up, Sandiran’s relationship with their older sister was always very tense, and they could not form a proper sibling bond. Sandiran’s sister viewed them as a threat because of her mental illness, and their sister felt unsupported and neglected by the family. However, within the past three to four years, they have started connecting, and Sandiran offers extensive support for her. Together, they are trying to navigate the journey of what they lived through and heal from it.

Sandiran’s parents were stricter with the older two siblings than with Sandiran. As the youngest child, Sandiran did not have the stress and pressure of taking on responsibility when their mother and father could not as their older siblings did. Sandiran felt that their father was not afraid to show his love for Sandiran. This influenced Sandiran significantly and they have empathy for their father because of his mental illness. Sandiran knows that their father’s violence grew out of his terrifying experiences. While Sandiran loves him as a person, they do not condone his behaviour towards the mother. When Sandiran established boundaries within the household and imposed restrictions to control their father’s violence, the relationship became more challenging. Sandiran finds it difficult to maintain a relationship with him because of his alcoholism and because he lives in his own reality because of his mental illness. Their father continues to express his love for Sandiran and continues to talk with them over the phone as they are now living in another city.

Sandiran and their mother have a robust relationship. Sandiran’s mother taught her children a lot and was very loving. After going through depression and suicidal ideation as a child and teenager, Sandiran realized their mother had been the only one supporting them. According to them, their mother is the most incredible and strongest person. Sandiran also admires their mother’s resilience. Sandiran is studying medicine so that what their mother experienced will not have been in vain, but will allow Sandiran to be empathetic and help others.

Sandiran has difficulty building and forming social bonds with peers because of the turbulence in their home, the building they lived in, and their community. While Sandiran had friends in school, in reality, they did not consider them as friends; they were acquaintances. However, when a fellow student, during a class presentation, spoke about witnessing FV, Sandiran was emboldened to share their experiences with this student. Though they never talked about FV again, their relationship has developed into a genuine friendship. However, to this day, Sandiran has difficulty understanding social dynamics.

Sandiran is bitter towards the Tamil community in the Quebec City they grew up in but has had a dramatically different experience with the Tamil community in Ontario where they now live. Sandiran is connected on a social media platform with Tamils in their medical school cohort, where they can discuss gender-based violence in their community. Furthermore, Sandiran attended a talk by a Tamil psychologist on FV. Sandiran believes there is a notable difference in the number of people engaged in this rich dialogue in the city she lives in now, compared to their home city in Quebec. However, based on their previous experience, Sandiran protect themself and their family by not engaging with Tamil community members, other than on a professional level.