6 A Migratory Bird on Her Way

My mother, who always wears detailed makeup, looks much younger than her peers and remains unpredictable and mysterious in my mind. It seems like I may have a kind of attachment to her that is unlike the traditional deferential Chinese parent-child relationship.

When I decided to study abroad at the age of fifteen, my mom was the only person who supported my decision, possibly because she also left her parents and four older siblings in her twenties. She made her family unhappy because her siblings had to care for their parents without her help. Exclusion from the family may have been the cost of freedom, but she became more confident in her journey of growth.

My grandma asked me, “Can you really take care of yourself and get accustomed to a new place by yourself, and will you be really happier?”

“Yes, I can,” I said, with seeming confidence. But internally, I was still unsure of what would happen after I went to Canada. I had just experienced cyberbullying, which was like a nightmare around me, and all I could think about was escaping at that moment.

“You take after your mother in many aspects. I hope you can be like the migratory birds.” My grandmother’s dark eyes were full of depression. “Take care.”

I was so young and naïve that I could not see her concern and expectation and did not really understand her symbol of migratory birds at that time.

After I arrived in Toronto, despite the good intentions of the counsellors and the dorm staff at my school, they did not understand what a sensitive girl really needed in an unfamiliar environment. I struggled with the fear of integration into the new culture, the concern of being seen as deviant by local people, and the anxiety of the language barrier. I was also at a loss because most of the time, I had nobody to rely on in this foreign country.

My heavy schoolwork and class schedule forced me to adapt to the new learning environment as quickly as possible. During that period, I witnessed some people using drugs to kill time; some were always at parties, and some, like me, were used to being alone. Studying abroad compelled me to accept new cultures and knowledge and see things from different perspectives. Overcoming the language barrier and experiencing cultural differences alone seemed to equip me with the courage to start over in any place.

When I returned to my home country, I asked my grandma, “Do you ever regret staying in the same place throughout your whole life and not working because you needed to take care of your family?”

“No, I was willing to do these things,” Grandma answered. Her eyes always sparkled with happiness when she talked about her children’s achievements and adorable grandchildren. I saw so many wrinkles in her face, which I had never noticed before.

Just before I went back to Canada, Grandma was diagnosed with both Parkinson’s and dementia, with symptoms like uncontrollable shaking, slow movements, and memory loss. She looked shorter, weaker, and needed to squint her eyes to see things clearly. There wasn’t a trace of a smile on her face. Grandma seemed to know that I was going to leave again, and she held my hand tremulously, but not a word was uttered.

“I will be good, don’t worry about me. I will come back soon.” These were the last words spoken between us.

My grandma was a benevolent woman. It was my grandma who taught me the value of honesty and politeness when I was a little girl. She passed away due to Covid-19 in January 2023; my heart was sadder than it has ever been. After attending her funeral, I went outside; I was temporarily blinded by the sun or my tears.

I thought I could see a line of migrating birds flying across the sky, which reminded me of Grandma’s words. Migratory birds flee to warmer places to avoid the harsh weather, and I thought that they must be flying away from difficulties by journeying from the north to the south for the winter every year. After the death of my grandmother, I was suddenly very afraid that she believed I would fly away like migratory birds when confronted with difficulties. I regret that I never expressed to my grandma that I wasn’t trying to escape my family when I chose to leave. Unexpressed emotions and words will never die.

When my mom accompanied me, I asked her, “In winter, why do migratory birds always flee to the south? Did Grandma blame me because of my choice?” The tears came to my eyes; the half-formed words died in my throat.

“As the seasons follow each other in rotation, migratory birds keep flying between the south and the north; they are not escaping, but rather they bravely resist nature’s obstacles.” My mother looked at me. “They will come back when the weather gets warmer.”

“Did I make the wrong decision? I want to come back now. Will I have less disappointment and worries when I reach your age?”

“It takes courage whether you choose to study abroad or come back. You can always be on your way; however, you also have to learn to accept the struggles along the way. Pay more attention to the interesting people you meet, and the kindness others show you may make you feel better.” My mom answered my question; I caught a trace of agony in her voice.

That’s when it hit me that my life would never be the same again, because I understood I am responsible for my personal choices. Having the autonomy to make decisions in our lives also implies that we have to take the consequences entirely on ourselves.

My grandma ultimately respected my decision and hoped that I would have the courage to go back like migratory birds; she wasn’t criticizing my decision. The road to freedom is replete with brambles and thorns for a woman, but the ties of family relationships will never be undone even when people leave. Family ties–the memories people carry of those they love and their bonds with those at home–can potentially influence them for the rest of their lives, no matter how far they travel.

The text of this chapter was written by Nora (Zhixin) Wu and initially published in volume 9 of King’s University College’s School of Management, Economics, and Mathematics (MEM) Insider. The chapter is a modified version of the paper in the MEM Insider.