9.4 The Fruits of Spiritual Wellness

The Serenity Prayer, written by Reinhold Niebuhr (Niebuhr, 1951), captures the wisdom of practicing acceptance:

Acceptance is embracing events and reality as they are, both personally (self-acceptance) and interpersonally (accepting others).

Self-acceptance also means acknowledging our strengths, weaknesses, and past mistakes without judgment. Note this is not the same as self-affirmation, which involves actively repeating positive statements about oneself. Rather, self-acceptance understands that:

• Perfection is unattainable. We all have flaws, and striving for unrealistic standards leads to frustration.
• Growth is a process. Accepting where we are now allows for effective and sustainable self-improvement.
• Our worth is not conditional. We have value beyond achievements or external validation.

Acceptance also acknowledges that people have different beliefs, values, and behaviours. Rather than agreeing on ideas or viewpoints, it means:

• Recognizing diverse perspectives. People’s experiences shape their views.
• Letting go of control. We cannot force others to change or conform, nor should we try.
• Fostering respect. Accepting differences builds stronger relationships and reduces conflict.

Forgiveness is freely choosing to let go of grudges, resentment, or the desire for retribution against those who have caused us harm. This can be very challenging, especially when the wounds are deep and the false sense of control that resentment provides feels comforting.

Forgiveness does not mean justifying harmful actions or the abdication of accountability or consequences (i.e., letting the offender “off the hook”). Rather, it is a choice to release the hold that past pain has on us, creating space for healing and peace.

In his best-selling book The Book of Forgiving, Archbishop Desmond Tutu discusses what he calls the “Fourfold Path” to healing and reconciliation. Tutu developed this framework through his work with South Africa’s Truth and Reconciliation Commission, which is a powerful model for forgiveness and moving forward after hurt, injustice, or conflict (Tutu & Tutu, 2014).

Here’s a breakdown:

1. Telling the Story

This involves honestly sharing what happened from the perspective of the person who was harmed. Telling the story gives voice to pain and helps others understand the depth of the hurt. It is the first step toward healing, as it acknowledges that harm was done.

Example: A person who was betrayed by a friend shares how the situation unfolded and how it made them feel without minimizing or sugarcoating the experience.

2. Naming the Hurt

You can’t forgive what you haven’t allowed yourself to fully feel. Beyond just telling what happened, this step involves identifying the emotions involved (e.g., anger, sadness, humiliation, fear, shame). This process is similar to part 1 of emotional self-regulation, as discussed in Chapter 6.

Example: Saying, “I felt completely abandoned and humiliated,” instead of brushing it off with, “It’s fine; I’ve moved on.”

3. Granting Forgiveness

This is a conscious choice to let go of the desire for revenge or retaliation. It doesn’t mean condoning the harm or forgetting it; rather, it means choosing to release its power over your life. Forgiveness is more about freeing the person who was hurt than excusing the person who caused the harm. If someone has harmed you, try writing a forgiveness letter. Don’t send it, but write out all your thoughts and make the decision yourself to let go. When done freely and in good faith, you will feel better.

Example: Someone chooses to forgive a parent for past emotional neglect. Not because it wasn’t painful, but because carrying that pain is affecting their own well-being.

4. Renewing or Releasing the Relationship

In some cases, after forgiveness, it’s possible to rebuild the relationship in a new, healthier way. In other cases, it is better to let go of the relationship entirely. Both are valid paths depending on the situation.

Example: After forgiving a “toxic” friend, someone may choose not to continue the friendship, but with peace instead of bitterness.

Gratitude is recognizing and appreciating the positive aspects of life, be they big or small. It is an intentional focus on what we have rather than what we lack, and it can be directed toward people, experiences, nature, or a Higher Power.

By regularly acknowledging the good in our lives, we develop a more positive outlook, which helps reduce worry and fosters inner peace.

Patience is the capacity to endure delays or difficulties without frustration or agitation. This ties closely with delayed gratification, often required for the reward of true sacrifices to manifest.

The saying “Patience is a virtue” holds true, allowing us to approach life’s challenges with greater composure and understanding.

Stillness is creating moments of silence (e.g., through meditation, reflection, or simply being present) to connect with one’s inner calm. The modern world is filled with distractions that constantly demand our attention, pulling us away from our inner selves.

Many spiritual traditions teach that a Higher Power speaks in stillness. If our minds are too noisy, we may miss that connection or message.

The genuine pursuit of truth requires humility, the recognition that although you may know a lot, there is always more to learn. It is also sometimes referred to as meekness or openness.

This means shifting from thinking, “I already know enough,” to acknowledging, “There is always more to understand.” Historical examples include Socrates, who famously declared, “I know that I know nothing,” highlighting continuous learning and humility. Marie Curie, who remained humble despite groundbreaking discoveries in radioactivity and chemistry, became the first person to win Nobel Prizes in two different scientific fields.

Coherence means our beliefs, values, and actions are consistent and logically aligned. Just as philosophical systems must have logical consistency (e.g., ontology and epistemology should align within research), personal integrity requires harmony between what we believe and how we act.

For example, consider a student who values education and believes that academic success is important for their future. When that student attends class regularly, seeks help when needed, and puts in genuine effort to understand the material, they are demonstrating coherence. Their values and actions are in alignment, which not only supports academic success but also reinforces their sense of integrity and personal well-being.

In contrast, if the same student skips classes, procrastinates on assignments, and puts minimal effort into regular studying, their actions are not well-aligned with their stated beliefs. When someone realizes there is a mismatch between one’s beliefs and actions (i.e., a lack of coherence), this may cause psychological discomfort, better known as cognitive dissonance.

This discomfort caused by cognitive dissonance pushes individuals to:

• Adjust their beliefs to justify their behaviours: A person who smokes despite knowing the health risks might convince themselves that smoking helps manage their stress, making it “worth the risk.”
• Modify their actions to align more closely with their values: A person who believes strongly in environmental conservation yet frequently engages in wasteful behaviours, may choose to pursue more sustainable solutions to their life.
• Double down, leaving dissonance unresolved:  A person who values physical health but regularly eats unhealthy food may choose to rationalize unhealthy choices to reduce discomfort.

When cognitive dissonance is unresolved, it can lead to hypocrisy—when one’s actions directly contradict their professed values. There are two main types:

• Negative hypocrisy: Deliberately holding others to standards one knowingly violates (e.g., a leader who publicly promotes honesty and transparency but lies to the public and hides secrets).
• Positive hypocrisy: Acknowledging high standards or ideals but occasionally failing to meet them due to human imperfection (e.g., advocating patience but sometimes losing your temper).

The critical difference lies in intent. Negative hypocrisy damages trust and credibility, while positive hypocrisy acknowledges imperfection while aspiring toward higher standards, which is a normal part of growth and development.

Between truth and coherence lies the lie—a distortion of reality that disrupts integrity and creates internal and external disharmony. Lying may offer perceived short-term benefits, but it ultimately erodes trust, clarity, and coherence—both within ourselves and in our relationships with others. Think of telling a lie as incurring a debt. Sooner or later, it must (and will) be repaid.

A lie can take many forms, including:

• Deliberate deception: Intentionally misleading others for personal gain or avoidance.
• Self-deception: Convincing oneself of a false reality to avoid discomfort.
• Distorting facts: Cherry-picking information to fit a biased narrative.
• Omission: Withholding critical information to manipulate perception.

This requires integrating different aspects of the self (thoughts, emotions, desires, and actions) into a cohesive and balanced whole. When personal harmony is disrupted, an individual may feel emotionally unsettled, mentally exhausted, or physically unwell.

Carl Jung described this process as individuation, where an individual reconciles different parts of their psyche to achieve wholeness (Jung, 1961). Similarly, Aristotle argued that true happiness (eudaimonia) is reached by balancing virtues, rational thought, and desires in a way that leads to a fulfilled and ethical life (Aristotle, 350 BCE).

Social harmony is about building and maintaining positive relationships with others. It involves respect, communication, and a mindset of reciprocity—focusing not just on what we receive from others but also on what we contribute. When social harmony breaks down, relationships suffer, and communities experience tension.

Confucius emphasized the importance of virtue and respect in fostering harmony within society. He believed that strong, ethical relationships create a peaceful and cooperative community (1989/Confucius, 5th century BCE). Martin Buber expanded on this idea through his “I-Thou” philosophy, which suggests that meaningful connections arise when we treat others as unique individuals rather than as tools to serve our own needs (Buber, 1923/1970).

Environmental harmony refers to understanding our place within a larger system—whether it’s our community, society, or the natural world. It means recognizing that our actions have consequences and striving to live in balance with the world around us. Environmental disharmony occurs when people disregard their connection to the world around them, leading to ecological destruction, social instability, and a loss of purpose.

Laozi (Lao Tzu), in the Tao Te Ching, taught that people should live in accordance with the natural flow (Dao) rather than attempting to control or dominate nature. He argued that forcing control leads to imbalance and suffering (Laozi, 6th century BCE/1988). Similarly, Aldo Leopold developed the concept of a land ethic, which states that true harmony is achieved when humans respect and preserve nature instead of exploiting it (Leopold, 1949).