6.4 Emotional Self-Regulation
“He who knows the universe and does not know himself knows nothing.”
–Jean de la Fontaine, 17th-century French poet
Understanding ourselves, especially our emotions, is incredibly important. Every day, we feel many different emotions that guide the choices we make. Learning how to recognize, process, and express our emotions is a process called emotional self-regulation. It sounds straightforward, but it can be surprisingly tough to put into practice, especially when we are stressed or overwhelmed.
Step 1: “What am I thinking?”
A thought is a mental statement, idea, or judgment about what is happening, or has happened, around you or within you. You can think of thoughts as your internal commentary—sometimes helpful and accurate, sometimes misleading and influenced by false pretenses or assumptions. Consider the following example where thoughts lead to negative emotions:
I think that I am overworked and underappreciated by my supervisors, and company as a whole, in my retail job → this makes me feel overwhelmed, helpless, angry, and exhausted.
Thoughts also play a critical role in how you respond to your emotions because they can calm you down, amp you up, or even distort your view of reality. Below are common categories of thoughts.
Click on the icons to learn more about each category.
Text Description
Judgments: Opinions or evaluations about yourself, someone else, or a situation, often labelling something as “good” or “bad,” “right” or “wrong,” etc.
Examples:
- “I shouldn’t be upset about this.”
- “He’s being selfish.”
- “I’m no good at anything.”
Assumptions: Guesses about what other people are thinking or feeling are often made without clear evidence or checking the facts.
Examples:
- “She must be angry with me.”
- “He doesn’t care about my feelings”
- “They’re ignoring my calls on purpose.
Predictions: Thoughts about what might happen in the future are often negatively slanted.
Examples:
- “I’m going to fail the test tomorrow.”
- “If I speak up, everyone will laugh at me.”
Interpretations: Attempts to make meaning out of something that happened or how someone behaved.
Examples:
- “She didn’t say hi because she hates me.”
- “He looked at his watch, so he must be bored.”
Comparisons: Measuring yourself or your situation against someone else’s or your own past experience. This is often done by overlooking important contextual differences.
Examples:
- “Everyone else is doing better than I am.”
- “I used to handle stress so much better.”
Core Beliefs: Deeply held ideas about yourself, others, or the world. These usually form over time and guide how you perceive everything.
Examples:
- “I’m not good enough.”
- “People can’t be trusted.”
Fact or Fiction?
Thoughts are often not rooted in truth. This cannot be overstated. There are times when they are indeed based on solid evidence (like seeing your busy calendar and predicting a hectic day), but others are built on shaky assumptions, misinformation, or emotional bias.
Before you accept a thought as truth, especially if it leads to big decisions or strong reactions, consider the following:
- Evidence: What facts do you have to support this thought? Are you potentially overlooking facts that do not suit your narrative?
- Other explanations: Is there another way to look at this situation? If you were in a calmer state, would you think differently? Why would a reasonable and rational person act this way?
- Emotional filter: Notice if you are especially anxious, angry, or sad, which might cause your thoughts to lean negatively. Avoid making big decisions when you are upset.
- Talk/write it out: Sharing your thoughts with a friend, counsellor, or loved one can help you see them from a different perspective. Writing them down is also an excellent way to process them. Brené Brown refers to this as a “Stormy First Draft” (Brown, 2015).
The Line Model
A helpful tool for assessing one’s ability to recognize and process emotions is the “line model,” proposed by Jim Dethmer and Diana Chapman in The 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership. You’re either above the line—open, curious, adaptable—or below the line—defensive, rigid, focused on being “right” (Dethmer & Chapman, 2015).
According to Thibault Meurisse in Master Your Emotions, recognizing when you’ve slipped below the line is a strong gauge of self-awareness (Meurisse, 2018). Can you tell when your emotional state shifts? How does it affect your thoughts and behaviours? Learning to notice these shifts is the first step toward managing your emotions rather than being ruled by them.
Step 2: “What am I feeling?”
You cannot fully process or express a feeling if you are not sure what it is in the first place. This step involves naming which emotion (or emotions) you are experiencing at the moment. It can be especially difficult if you feel several emotions at once, which leads to many skipping this step completely.
Taking just a moment to pause and check in with yourself can make a huge difference. Ask questions like:
- Am I angry?
- Am I sad or disappointed?
- Am I worried, anxious, or afraid?
- Am I happy but also feeling pressure or stress?
It’s normal to experience more than one emotion at the same time. What matters is noticing and acknowledging each emotion instead of pushing it away, ignoring it, or mixing it up with something else.
Classic Emotions
Psychologist Dr. Paul Ekman identified six “classic” emotions that are recognized in nearly every culture around the world (Ekman, 2003):
-
- Happiness
- Sadness
- Fear
- Anger
- Surprise
- Disgust
Think of these as core emotional building blocks. Other emotions usually come from one (or a combination) of these six. For example, “disappointment” and “emptiness” are different feelings, but both are related to sadness. Recognizing the type of sadness you feel helps you figure out the best way to deal with it.
Here are some useful tools and resources that are helpful in expanding your understanding of emotions:
- The Feelings Wheel [PDF] breaks down each of these basic emotions into more specific ones, making it easier to pinpoint exactly what you are experiencing.
- Atlas to the Heart: Dr. Brené Brown describes a wide range of emotions humans experience in her book Atlas to the Heart. She breaks emotions down into clear, relatable terms—something that can really help you develop a deeper understanding of what you are feeling.
Step 3: “How am I going to respond?”
After identifying your emotion(s) and processing your thoughts, the final step is expression.
You Control the Response
You may not be able to fully control which emotions you feel and every thought that enters your mind. However, no matter how strong your emotions are or how tense a situation might be, nobody can force you to respond in a certain way. Other people’s words or actions can influence your response, but the ultimate decision—what you do next—falls squarely in your “Circle of Control” (Chapter 3).
Owning your response means stepping back, thinking about your choices, and making conscious choices that support your well-being and respect others.
Assertiveness
Assertiveness is the skill of honestly and respectfully expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs. It balances self-respect (knowing your rights, limits, and needs) with respect for others (acknowledging their perspectives and boundaries) to improve understanding and conflict resolution.
An assertive person:
- Expresses their thoughts and emotions clearly and directly.
- Maintains a calm and respectful tone, both in what they say and how they say it.
- Trusts their own opinions and abilities without feeling the need to belittle or overshadow others.
What Assertiveness Is Not:
Aggression:
- Disregarding the rights or feelings of others, often involving hostility, shouting, intimidation, or belittling.
- This approach may get immediate results, but often damages relationships and trust long-term.
Example: “We’re doing it my way, and I don’t care what you think!”
Passivity:
- Consistently prioritize other people’s needs over your own and avoid conflict at all costs.
- Over time, this can lead to unspoken resentment and a loss of self-esteem because one’s own needs are not being addressed.
Example: “It’s okay, whatever you want,” said repeatedly, even if they’re uncomfortable or disagree.
Empathy
A cornerstone of emotional intelligence, empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person. It involves mentally and emotionally placing yourself in someone else’s shoes, recognizing their emotions, and acknowledging their perspectives without necessarily adopting them as your own.
Take a moment to watch this video by Brené Brown on the difference between empathy and sympathy.
Video: “Brené Brown on Empathy” by RSA [2:53] is licensed under the Standard YouTube License.Transcript and closed captions available on YouTube.
Empathy fosters stronger connections by challenging assumptions, encouraging consideration of others’ emotional contexts, and enhancing social awareness to navigate conflicts more effectively. When people feel genuinely heard and understood, trust grows, isolation decreases, and everyone’s emotional well-being improves.
An empathetic person:
- Strives to see and understand things from the other person’s viewpoint (e.g., “If I were in their situation, how would I feel?”).
- Responds in a way that reflects genuine care and insight into the other person’s emotional state (e.g., “It sounds like you’re really stressed about this; I can imagine how overwhelming that must feel.”).
- Maintains respect for the other person’s feelings even if they disagree with their ideas or actions.
What Empathy Is Not
Sympathy:
- Pity or feeling sorry for someone’s misfortune, sometimes from a distance (“I feel bad for you, but that’s your experience, not mine.”).
- Unlike empathy, sympathy does not necessarily involve trying to see the world through the other person’s lens; it can remain superficial or detached.
Agreement:
- You do not have to agree with someone’s decisions or share their beliefs. You can understand their emotions without adopting their viewpoint.
Responding When Feeling Emotionally Distraught
When emotions run high, it’s easy to react impulsively. Instead, try to respond with care and intention. Talk it out:
- Open up to someone you trust—a friend, family member, or professional
- Use “I” statements to express your experience without blaming others
Soothe your nervous system by engaging in calming activities to settle your body and mind:
- Relaxation techniques like deep breathing, stretching, or progressive muscle relaxation
- Physical movement such as walking or light exercise to release built-up tension
