24 The Second Challenge: Apollo’s Response (281-321)

The lord

[who-kills-from-afar] (no longer)

who-works-from-afar

Apollo

Laughing, said:

“You must have gone a bit ripe in the head,

you little lawyer,

you tricky-minded little huckster,

because your speech definitely managed to convince me

but only of one thing:

someone who speaks with such expert trickery

[is already quite experienced in deception.]

I now suspect that

not only have you pierced the locked threshold

one, single place

but indeed

many pleasant, unsuspecting houses!

More, this is the future I see for you:

skulking in the dark of night,

you will certainly cause many

to sit on the threshold, groaning,

their belongings gone, spirited away

with nothing left behind

not even so much as a whisper.

That is how convincingly your claim has been

as you say, “fielded.”  285

Speaking of fields,

no doubt you will become

a monster —

causing a crowd of worries for

any poor human who tends a flock,

all alone on a deserted mountain path,

whenever your blood-thirsty hunger for flesh

drives you to again savage

the herds of cattle and

wooly-fleeced sheep.

So come on now, [drop the “sleepy baby” routine].

You have made it clear that you are an accomplice

of darkest Nyx herself.

 So,

–unless you want to experience

your ‘last’ and ‘final’ sleep for real–

come down out of your crib!

Stop resisting and I promise you this:    290

I personally will acknowledge you amongst the gods.

This can be your title and office,

for all the days to come:

of all those who have stolen something

of all thieves,

you will be

the first and foremost.”

Having said this

He

grabbed the baby, lifting him out from the crib:

Apollo:

the virtuous

light-of-purification.

He

pondered a careful plan in response:

Hermes

the Watchdog-Slayer,

violently strong.

Here was his clever battle stratagem:

High in the air,

looking downwards,

he endeavored to release

a thunderous omen

right in Apollo’s face.

He let loose a massive fart:  295

within the stomach,

a misery-inducing labourer;

outside,

a messenger of worse things yet to come.

He followed it with a second omen:

sneezing directly into Apollo’s face.

The second omen, confirming his first prophecy.

Apollo

who listens from afar,

hearing these “prayers”, much noisier than what he was used to

so close and personal,[2]

loosened his grip.

Hermes

fell to the ground,

earning his reputation as slippery.

Apollo

sank down on the threshold,

groaning at the whole affair

(fulfilling his own prophecy!)

So now he tried again to one-up Hermes

by (literally) sinking to his level: 300

“Take heart and don’t fart in fear,

widdle baby,

blanket-armoured,

son of Maia

…and, as I must now grudgingly admit,

son of Zeus

I will still be able to divine the location of the mighty herd

by interpreting the gassy omens you have provided!

Although on the path there,

I think it is best for you to…

go

FIRST.”

At this, he

made a sudden move,

grabbing Hermes’ swaddle

The other

leapt away with blinding speed:

Hermes,

Cyllene-born (just now).

…

But the armour on his mighty shoulders,

–ie. the swaddling blanket–

[just tightened in Apollo’s grip]

and though his tiny hands

tried to push it over tiny ears,

he was caught,

bound and exposed.       305

[Apollo began to spank him] and Hermes cried out:

“Where do you plan to take me – Ow!

O one-who-works-from-afar (usually not so close). Ow!

most-easily-enraged-of-all-the-gods. Ow!

Are you really so angry about cows

that you keep abusing me? Ow!

Stop! Damn the whole stupid race of cows

– ow! –because when you asked I said “Nope”!

Your cows were not stolen by me – ow!

—  I have not seen anyone else – ow!                                       310

I mean, what even are cows? –ow!–

For I have only heard of cows through stories,

through epic kleos Ow!

Enough!

I demand a fair trial, judged

by Zeus:

the son and heir to Kronos’ throne”

Like this they kept litigating the issue point by point, jockeying for authority:

Hermes, just a-solitary-animal-herder

versus

Leto’s son, full-of-glory

but in this battle of speech,

they were equally matched;

both courageous hearts held the battle line

and did not retreat   315

The one,

with an unerring voice and a just cause

— the case of the stolen cows —

kept trying to pin down the famously slippery

Hermes.

The other,

with careful craft and words

kept trying to get one over on his opponent.

And thus the competition was set:

the god-from-Cyllene

versus

the god-of-the-silver-bow.

But though his mind had many twists,

he found that the other’s mind had many turns too.

So, when they finally darted forward on their journey,

traveling back along the sandy shore,         320

Hermes ultimately was the guide,

going first and foremost

but behind  (only in order not in importance),

no less than the son of Zeus and Leto himself.