When we communicate with each other, sometimes we get defensive, especially when we’re feeling attacked. This is a normal instinctive reaction to behaviours that our brains perceive to be threatening. When we feel a threat, our brains automatically trigger a fight or flight response to protect us. For those of us who have a history of trauma, the fight or flight response might be activated all the time or in response to what we might perceive to be non-threatening events or people (Van der Kolk, 2015).

The problem is that we we react defensively as a result of this fight or flight response in our interpersonal communication, it can cause problems in our relationships and our ability to solve problems.

As such, it is important for us to try to identify those behaviours that contribute to defensiveness and try to use more effective communication skills to create a more supportive environment. It  is also important to know for ourselves what might be interfering in our ability to communicate effectively and to get support for that. For a lot of social service workers, this might mean attending individual counselling or taking part in healing traditions.

Remember YOU are the tool when it comes to your ability to help. Attending to your own wellness is part of the work of the SSW. If you are working on your own wellness, you will be better equipped to help others.

Creating a supportive rather than a defensive climate is critical to positive team functioning.

According to Gibb (2007) there are 6 behaviours to watch out for and 6 skills to use instead to help create a supportive environment where people feel respected and heard.

Watch the video below for a summary of the differences between supportive and defensive climates. A description of each of the 6 skills will follow. As you watch this video, think about the way that you typically communicate and what you need to work on. (Remember that we all have things we need to work on, even those of us who have been doing this work for a long time!)

1. Evaluation vs. Description (“you” vs “I” language)

Evaluation: This behaviour happens when we judge what another person is saying or when we judge the person. Judging means we are evaluating whether the person or what they are saying is good or bad.  If someone says something that you don’t like or agree with, this might trigger a judgment in you. You might think or say things like, “That is a terrible idea”, “You don’t know what you are talking about” , “You’re always late”, or “You’re wrong”. If people feel judged, they may become defensive and it will be more difficult to work with that person or develop a relationship with them. Imagine how you have felt when people have talked to you this way.

To create a supportive environment, people should feel like it’s OK to talk and that what they say has value, even when there are problems or you don’t agree. Instead, use descriptive language.

Description: When you use descriptive language, you point out a behaviour to address a problem and talk about how it affects you. If a person has done or said something that you don’t like or that has triggered a defensive response in you, you describe it in a way that is separate from the value of the person.  For example, you may say things like, “I’m concerned because you showed up late four times; I’m worried that we won’t get this project done on time”. You’re not judging the person; you’re describing the behaviour and how it affects you.

In a nutshell, evaluation is “you” language:  It points the finger at the other person’s worth or the worth of that person’s ideas.  Description, on the other hand, is “I” language:  It describes your thoughts and feelings as they relate to you (see Language of Responsibility chapter).  If everyone in the class used this language, you should feel a sense of trust and teamwork. If not, the environment could feel unsafe and hostile. Watch this quick video for more on “I” vs “You” language.

2. Control vs. Problem Orientation

Controlling: Language that tries to control people can make you feel defensive.  It feels like the person is telling you what to do or  knows what’s good for you. Often this starts with things like “You should….” or “You need to stop….”.  Instead try to be problem oriented in your language.

Problem oriented: It’s harder to get defensive if we focus on the problem not the person. In your mind and in your words, separate the problem from the person. “You need to show up for work on time” will trigger defensiveness. “The office has to be open and you are the first person in in the morning” is less likely to trigger a defensive behaviour as the person is less likely to feel like they are being controlled. The problem is that the office is not getting opened on time; it’s not that the person is late. You’re focusing on the problem. Not the person.

3. Strategy vs Spontaneity

Strategy: If you are someone who comes across with a hidden agenda, try to sway people to your way, use them for personal gain, or manipulate them, you will contribute to a defensive climate as people will not feel that there is honesty and trust in the group. They will be suspicious of your motives. Instead try to be spontaneous.

Spontaneity:  This means, don’t have a hidden agenda! Be yourself and be genuine. Be honest and open about how you feel, what you want, and your values. This might mean taking a minute to think about how you feel, what you want, and your values before you speak! Ask yourself these questions: “Do I just want to win the argument?”, “Do I want to control the situation?”; “Am I telling the whole truth here?”; If you answer yes to these kinds of questions, you may need to reflect on that, put that thought aside for the sake of the group and the relationship. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

4. Neutrality vs Empathy

Neutrality: If you behave in a detached, uncaring fashion, as if the people in your group and the outcome of the group’s process don’t concern you, your behavior will probably arouse defensiveness.  It sends the message, “I don’t care what you think”. Instead put yourself in the other person’s shoes and try to see the situation through their eyes. Use empathy.

Empathy: When you use empathy in interpersonal interactions, you try to look at things from the other person’s perspective. You may not necessarily agree, but when you share what you think the other person is saying, you demonstrate that you are trying to understand.  The other person will feel this and will be less likely to be defensive. Use paraphrasing to demonstrate empathy. Eg. “So, what I think you’re saying is…..”. You will learn paraphrasing in all your skills classes. In this class, you use this skill in an interpersonal context rather than in the helping context but it works everywhere!

5. Superiority vs Equality

Superiority: If you feel superior, a small group meeting or a professional conversation is not the place to show it.  You probably know people who approach you in class after tests asking, “What did you get?”  Frequently these students use this question just to show you their superior grade.  Most people think such behavior is obnoxious.  It makes them feel defensive.  If your language comes across as  “I’m smarter than you” then you will encounter resistance. This can be particularly important to remember if you are from a privileged group (i.e. white, English-speaking, able bodied, male, etc) as society has sent messages through media, and other avenues that there is a preferred way of being. Try instead to be humble and to work towards equality in your conversations in class.

Equality:  If you are demonstrating equality, you are communicating that you and the other member of the class or team are equal. While it’s true that you may know some things that someone else might not or may have had experiences that others have not had. It is also true that everyone else in the class and in life knows something that you don’t and has had experiences that you have not and that all these points of view are valid and valuable. Remember that there are multiple ways of knowing and understanding the world. You come from just one perspective. Be mindful of this and demonstrate humility (i.e. being aware of and honest about what you know and don’t know)

Watch THIS VIDEO to learn more about cultural humility.

6. Certainly vs Provisionalism

Certainty: Do you know people who always have all the answers, whose ideas are truths to be defended, who are intolerant of those with the wrong (that is, different) attitudes?  Folks who demonstrate certainty tend to get into a lot of heated exchanges as they are typically not willing to let go of being right and we tend to want to prove them wrong.  This behavior is counterproductive in groups because there is just no room for your view or any other options. They “know” they’re right. The tendency to be so polarized could come from a feeling of insecurity. It could be difficult to be open to change or to admit when we don’t know something. Remember that most things in life are not so black and white. Try instead to demonstrate Provisionalism.

Provisionalism: be flexible and genuinely committed to solving problems rather than simply taking sides on issues or being right.  If people leave themselves open to new information and can admit that, from time to time, they may be wrong about something, they will be more effective group members and will help build more supportive group climates. Instead of “I know”, say “I think”. Consider that you might be wrong! Be open to multiple points of view and possibilities.

Final thoughts

As a communicator you control your own actions.  Your knowledge of defensive and supportive behaviors will help you make your group work more effectively. As you communicate with your friends and family see if you can spot these behaviours in yourself and in others. Start thinking about where your strengths are and what you need to work on.

As a receiver – you can choose if you are going to get defensive. Take the high road and model supportive behaviours. It’s challenging and we don’t always do our best, but if you are genuinely trying, people will feel that. If you make a mistake, admit it and self-correct. That will go a long way to building a supportive climate.