4.3 Spotlight on Human Resources Skills
“I” Versus “You” Statements
As a Human Resources professional responsible for addressing conflict at work, it is helpful to understand the impact of “I” versus “You” statements.
The “I” Statement
What is an “I” statement? An “I” statement allows you to explain to the listener which of their behaviours concerns you, how their behaviour makes you feel and the consequence of their behaviour. In general, “I” statements are less aggressive as they do not put the listener on the defensive.
The “You” Statement
What is a “You” statement? It is accusatory, the equivalent of pointing a finger at someone with blame. A “You” statement quickly causes the listener to defend their behaviour as they are simultaneously accused and blamed.
The “Behaviour-Consequence-Feelings” Formula
Chapter 4 Exercises
The following video is on the behaviour-consequence-feeling approach to building an “I” statement.Video: “Initiating Conflict Resolution” by Wisc-Online [4:32] is licensed under the Standard YouTube License.Transcript and closed captions available on YouTube.
Chapter 4 Exercise 3: Discussion
After watching the video, what does BCF stand for? What is the benefit of using the BCF approach when working with others to resolve conflict?
“I” versus “You” Examples
The best way to understand the difference between an “I” statement and a “You” statement is to review the following examples.
“You” Statement: You are always angry.
“I” Statement: When you yell at people, it makes me uneasy, and I can’t focus on my work.
“You” Statement: You don’t even attend the mandatory team meetings.
“I” Statement: I feel disrespected when you skip our team meeting, and I wonder if you are committed to the team project.
“You” Statement: You are late to work most days.
“I” Statement: When you arrive late to work, we can’t start our morning meeting on time, which is unfair to the rest of the team.
“You” Statement: Once again, you have failed to submit your sales report this week
“I” Statement: When you don’t submit your weekly sales report, I have to send you an e-mail requesting the document, and I don’t have time for this additional administrative work.
“You” Statement: You continue to call in sick every Friday.
“I” Statement: When you call in sick every Friday, your co-workers must complete your work and are already busy doing their work.
“You” Statement: You criticize your co-workers whenever they present a new idea.
“I” Statement: Criticizing your co-workers when they present a new idea upsets them, and they stop offering new ideas at meetings.
Can you see how “You” statements might make an employee defensive? “You” statements may create a confrontation rather than generate a conversation. On the other hand, an “I” statement takes the pressure off the other person to defend themselves and allows them to understand how their behaviour impacts others.
Chapter 4 Exercise 4
Now it’s your turn. Read the following “You” statements and turn them into “I” statements.
“You” Statement: You refuse to listen when others are speaking. Instead, you talk over other people.
“I” Statement:
“You” Statement: You will never be promoted when you can’t get along with your co-workers.
“I” Statement:
“You” Statement: Your performance reviews are negative because you never completed your agreed-upon training sessions.
“I” Statement:
Assertive Communicators
Assertive communicators are direct, firm, honest, and transparent about their ideas and wants while not discounting the ideas of others. They typically express ideas thoughtfully and politely while respecting the values and opinions of others. If there are disagreements regarding views, the assertive communicator will generally use “I feel” statements rather than accusatory or “you” statements to resolve the dispute. Assertive communication is respectful–you don’t hurt others even when expressing negative emotions. When you communicate assertively, you express your needs, wants, thoughts, and feelings without guilt. When you communicate assertively, you take responsibility for your thoughts and feelings and confidently state your position. This is the most effective communication style as it does not create unnecessary conflict and allows for all ideas and views to be shared.
One of the best tools for ensuring assertive communication is to use “I” statements. “You” statements generally create defensiveness and emotional resistance and shut down communication. They can promote conflict. “I” statements, on the other hand, avoid destructive blaming, criticizing, ridiculing, and name-calling. The speaker makes a statement expressing their feelings. “I” statements can help prevent conflict.
Effective Communication
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Effective Communication – Assertive Behaviour |
Ineffective Communication – Aggressive or Passive Behaviour |
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Remember that you can only accurately speak about your intentions. In addition to offering accurate information, using “I” statements allows the other person to be receptive rather than defensive. Effective communication needs a sender of precise information and a willing, open receiver.
The Art of the “I” Statement
At first, it may seem challenging to formulate an “I” statement. It takes a bit more time to develop an “I” statement. We have to think about the exact behaviour that is causing the issue. Then, we need to verbalize the consequences this behaviour has on others, and finally, we have to reflect on how this behaviour makes us feel. As a Human Resources professional, you want to think about your opening statement before meeting with employees involved in workplace conflict to ensure your “I” statement accurately describes the undesired behaviour, consequences and feelings.
“I” statements
- allow for reflection
- take practice
- allow for the expression of feelings
- avoid the placement of blame
The good news is that, like most things in life, practice makes perfect. It also helps to start our sentences with the word “when” instead of the word “you.” This prevents us from quickly losing control of our statements and placing blame on others. It is okay to express feelings, even at work. It has an impact when a co-worker finds out they are causing others to feel disrespected or unappreciated.
Assertive Communicators from “Learning Task 4: Describe Assertive Communication” from Trades Access Common Core Competency B-3: Use Interpersonal Communication Skills – 2nd Edition by Camosun College is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 International License, except where otherwise noted.
Image Prompt
A photo depicting a male Latino person conversing with a female Middle-Eastern person. The Latino man is using his finger to point at his torso. They are standing in a modern kitchen, surrounded by fruits and plants.
