11.2 The Lesson: Navigating the Difficult Conversation
In Chapter 10, we discussed the importance of investigations, documentation, and confidentiality in the context of workplace conflict. In Chapter 11, we will examine best practices for planned and unplanned difficult conversations and ways to support psychological safety at work.
The Difficult Conversation
Workplace conflicts are often based on a difference of opinion, approach, or work ethic. Misunderstandings may arise from communication methods such as email. Some employees don’t like working with other employees based on their personality types. These are all examples of conflicts that require a conversation, clarification, and agreement on how two parties can move forward without conflict.
However, there are workplace conflicts that are much more serious in nature and require formal workplace investigations, as outlined in Chapter 10. These conversations might be deemed difficult as there is an expectation that they won’t go well. Examples of difficult conversations involve topics such as theft, discrimination, ethics, and harassment.
Have you ever heard the phrase, “Get comfortable being uncomfortable?” In Human Resources, uncomfortable situations happen somewhat frequently. We cannot avoid these moments, so it is best to become comfortable dealing with heavy topics and awkward conversations.
There are two kinds of difficult conversations. The first is the planned conversation, in which the Human Resources professional has time to prepare for the upcoming talk. The second is the unplanned conversation, in which the Human Resources professional finds themselves involved in a problematic or heated conversation without warning. Let’s take a look at the nuances of both the planned and the unplanned difficult conversation.
The Planned Difficult Conversation
Let’s review a few of the most important steps when preparing for and conducting a planned difficult conversation.
- Act Quickly: If we recognize that a workplace issue will require a difficult conversation, we should move forward quickly to ensure the matter does not escalate.
- Be Prepared: As this is a planned conversation, take the time to prepare by researching the matter and documenting your main talking points. This is not a script; it is a list of key points you want to include in your conversation.
- The Location and the Time: What is the best time to meet with the employee(s)? You need to consider their hours of work and ensure you are both free to talk without disruption. What is the best location for your conversation? The location needs to be a work area with a door you can close for confidentiality.
- Include a Witness: Whether for safety reasons or to have someone take notes, asking someone to sit in with you during a difficult conversation makes good sense. However, you need to ensure you select the right person. We cannot ask just anyone to join our meeting. It needs to be someone who is held to the same degree of confidentiality, such as a fellow Human Resources professional or the employee’s immediate supervisor.
- Focus on an Understanding: Rather than expecting the employee you are speaking with to “agree” with you, set your sights on an understanding instead. The individual you are speaking with may not agree with your conversation, but they must “understand” what you are saying and the expectations you have set in place.
- Documentation and Confidentiality: You must ensure your conversation is well documented. These notes will be added to the employee’s file and, depending on the nature of the issue, could be used in a court of law. Limit discussions regarding the matter to those bound by confidentiality, such as fellow Human Resources personnel or the employee’s immediate supervisor.
- Follow-up Discussion: Ensure you follow up with each employee to determine if they are following the guidance and expectations you agreed upon in the original meeting.
The Unplanned Difficult Conversation
Human Resources professionals do not always have time to plan and prepare for difficult conversations. Workplace conflicts can arise quickly, and you may encounter an impromptu, challenging conversation. Let’s look at how the “steps” differ between a planned and an unplanned difficult conversation.
- Act Quickly: When faced with an impromptu, difficult conversation, the element of time is removed. The conversation is imminent, and this is where experience comes in handy. Even though you didn’t have time to prepare, it is essential to address the issue quickly to ensure the matter does not escalate.
- Be Prepared. Just as the element of time has been removed, your ability to research the matter and prepare talking points no longer exists. Perhaps the best way to think about these moments is to embrace the phrase “get comfortable being uncomfortable” and recognize that these impromptu moments will happen.
- The Location and the Time. While you may not have time to preplan the meeting place and time, it is still important to quickly move this impromptu meeting to a safe and confidential area. If a conversation starts in a hallway or a training room, take the time to move the conversation to an appropriate location.
- Include a Witness. Although you didn’t have the option to invite a colleague bound by confidentiality to join you for the difficult conversation, you may need to take a moment to locate the appropriate person to join the talk for safety reasons or to witness the conversation.
- Focus on an Understanding. Similar to the planned difficult conversation, there is a chance the employee you are speaking with may not “agree” with your direction, guidance, or expectations. Regardless, it is best to focus on understanding the meeting outcome rather than on an agreement.
- Documentation and Confidentiality. There is no difference between the planned and the unplanned difficult conversation regarding documentation and confidentiality. You must ensure the conversation is well documented and the meeting content remains confidential.
- Follow-up Discussion. Following up on any difficult conversation, planned or unplanned, is essential. This is an opportunity to answer questions, check on an individual’s well-being, and ensure the meeting outcome is followed.
The “FACED” Approach to Difficult Conversations
When preparing for a difficult conversation, it can be helpful to implement the FACED approach. This approach to general problem-solving can be applied to the preparation stage for a difficult conversation.
Find the problem
Ask, “What is at stake?”
Consider resources/options
Evaluate solutions
Draft and deliver the solution
Step 1: Find the Problem
Not everyone sees problems the same way. According to Booth et al. (2016), a problem can be any situation with an unacceptable cost. Using this understanding, a problem consists of two parts: (1.) a condition that creates an undesirable situation and (2.) the unacceptable cost created by that situation. Since no two people see a problem in the same way, it is essential to take a moment to describe the problem, even if it seems evident to you.
Ask yourself the following questions:
- “What do I know?”
- “What do I not know?”
- “What do I need to know?”
Keep in mind that other people might see the situation differently. Co-workers, clients, or patients might see different intolerable costs. They might also be aware of the various conditions that create the problem. Remember that when communicating about problems, another person’s definition of “successful resolution” might look or feel different than your own.
Step 2. Ask “What Is At Stake?”
Once you have a sense of what the problem is, ask why it matters. If you’re disinterested in a situation, consider the consequences for yourself or others. This can quickly spark your motivation. If you’re feeling overwhelmed or anxious, this step can help you realize that the situation isn’t as catastrophic as you instinctively imagined. Effective communication can prevent, reduce, or resolve many undesirable costs. That’s the point of this course.
Miscommunication matters because it so often leads to uncomfortable consequences. Could a misunderstanding cause you to lose time? Money? A relationship? A job opportunity or business contract? Is someone’s health at risk? Could a problem be prevented or contained if you clarified communication earlier rather than later? Miscommunications create costs that justify problem-solving action.
If you’re not sure what is at stake, try asking these questions to fill out your understanding:
- Are there potential costs? Is something at risk here?
- Are there potential benefits? Does someone stand to gain something?
- Do I need to do some thinking or research to understand better who else is affected?
Remember, it’s not all about you! Be empathetic to other people who could be involved. In the case of communication challenges, keep your audience at the forefront of your thinking. Ask yourself what’s at stake for the person who will hear or read your message. Use that insight to help you shape the communication solution.
Step 3. Consider Resources/Options
Instead of acting on your first idea, ask yourself, “What could we do?” With this thinking, you’re considering as many options as possible. Notice that this is different from asking, “What should we do?”
Silence your critical instincts and open your mind to multiple possibilities. As Gino (2018) writes in the Harvard Business Review, asking “What could we do?” leads to the most innovative outcomes.
If you’re unsure how to get started, try relating new information to what you already know. Ask yourself:
- Have I seen this or done this before?
- Have I seen or done something similar if I have not seen this situation?
- If I have not seen it, what skills have I used in other situations that might apply here?
- Can I find an example or template to guide me?
- Do I have a script or a strategy that I can follow?
- Are any reliable examples available online?
- Do I need peer or expert help?
- Is there an expert, supervisor, or peer who can advise me?
- Do I need to solve a smaller puzzle piece before finding a more extensive solution?
- Should I be looking for a series of steps to solve this?
- Does sequence matter? Do I need to resolve one issue before I move on to the next?
When you compare a new situation to something you’ve done before, please don’t assume you found the secret shortcut because it feels familiar. Be warned! Sometimes, we repeat our actions because we’re comfortable with our habits, not because they yield the best results. Even if a tactic has worked in the past, think it through carefully (the next step) before applying it in a new situation.
Step 4. Evaluate the Solutions
Once you have found answers to the question “What could we do?” in Step 3, now is the time to ask, “What should we do?” Apply meaningful, relevant criteria to eliminate any undesirable or impractical options. This will help you make a thoughtful decision about the best way forward. Consider:
- Timing:
- How time-sensitive is the problem? Are there due dates to consider?
- How long do the different solutions take to implement?
- Level of Difficulty:
- Is one solution easier to design or implement than another?
- Do I have experience in handling this one way compared to others?
- Cost:
- Is one solution cheaper than another?
- If one solution is more expensive, is it worth it?
- Impact on Others:
- Would one approach please or upset my audience, stakeholders, or partners more than another?
- Is there a way of implementing this that others would enjoy or benefit from more than others?
Note: People often blend Step 3 and Step 4 in ordinary conversation. They often ask, “What could we do?” and answer, “What should we do?” in the same breath. The risk of blurring together Step 3 and Step 4 is that you might dismiss innovative possibilities too quickly or block yourself or others from thinking of them in the first place. Is that a risk you want to take when the stakes matter?
Step 5. Draft & Deliver the Solution
Whatever the problem is, the solution will always involve clear communication. For example, you might have to propose a plan to a supervisor, client, or other stakeholder or justify a decision afterward. You might have to inform someone of harrowing news, or you might have to persuade them that your approach is the best one. Your communication won’t always be a formal written text, but you should always draft a rough plan and, if appropriate, deliver a polished solution.
“4.17: Having Difficult Conversations” from Communication Skills in Early Childhood Education by Lisa Palmer is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 International License, except where otherwise noted.
