Impact

As I write this, I’ve never spoken about this with anyone.

I was driving to school and I was absolutely crushed with grief. It struck me like a wave of nasuea – like a panic attack, perhaps? But it was raw emotion, it wasn’t anything physical.

I was suddenly in tears, my face felt like it was all strethced and distorted as my mouth yanked back and my eyes squeezed shut with grief.

Tears seeped across my face as I searched for a source of this powerful wave of emotion. I hadn’t said a word to anyone, yet – it must have been a Wednesday? I hadn’t any interactions with a soul, including drivers on the road or anything.

It was just this nihlistic mourning that everything was built on these foundations of shit! The old parable of building on rock, or building on sand. Not only was it sand, but it was worse – it was putrid, it was sick, it was covered over with a fancy blanket, and we had been living on it our entire lives. Everything was a lie – one that we kind of knew about. One we’d been participating in. One we’d been raise up in. One we could witlessly particpiate in and it was fine. But it was a constant, unceasing, rolling contribution to the suffering of dehumanization of everyone else.

I shook it off, the emotion passed. I haven’t really revisted that moment, but I’ve felt a difference – that there’s more learning necessary. But how do you find those answers?