27 COVID-19: More than a virus, more than one illness

After coming back from a vacation with my mum, dad, and younger sister, I was told by my mum that she and my dad were going to get a divorce. This is an important part of my story since the time my dad was supposed to move coincided with the start of lockdown.

March 2020  

Lockdown was in full effect in my city from the first announcement of school closures during my second semester in grade 10. My social circle was now physically unreachable, and I was forced to live with two divorced parents in the same house until the summer. Going through lockdown with divorced parents and no support system was very difficult. I found myself doing lots of late-night walks to get out of the house and to have time to reflect on my situation. I’ve always been an introvert, but COVID-19 completely shifted my perspective. I craved connection, and I was stuck in my own head most of the time. School was moved completely online, our grades were locked at what they were before lockdown, and classes felt pointless to log-on to. I felt like I was wasting away, with no social interaction, no creative outlets, and nothing to look forward to.

July 2020  

My dad finally found a place to live and moved out of my mum’s house. This provided me with some stability in an unprecedented time. As I was searching for purpose and something to focus on, I gravitated towards working out. I was always an active person, but my fitness goals shifted in COVID as I noticed I was gaining some weight. I started working out to lose weight and gain more control over my surroundings. In a situation where the world felt uncontrollable with the pandemic and lockdown measures, my eating and fitness felt like a realm I could fully have control over. I can now draw some similarities between my experiences and the experiences of people during the bubonic plague. By blaming the plague on miasma or sins, people felt like they could gain more control of their situation. Sickness was something they thought they could control and predict, even though they couldn’t, but the thought of control relieved panic. I started working out excessively, went on weight watchers, and counted my calories to gain more control during the pandemic. My anxiety decreased as I had a sense of control in my life, even though the control I did really have was low.

September 2020  

A new school year came around, and I was very excited to start grade 11. Lockdown measures were still in place, but a “quadmester” style of schooling allowed for in-person classes combined with online classes, and we only took 2 courses at once. Finally, I had some structure to my daily routine. School starting again gave me more control, but I was still actively tracking my calories, weight, and exercising excessively. I was eating 1,800 calories a day, working out 2+ hours a day, and my self-esteem was at an all-time low. This continued for 9 months of me restricting my eating, working out more than I should, and judging my body.

June 2021  

It was time for me to accept what was going on in my life. Although COVID lockdown measures were becoming less and less and I had my support system back, this was one of the toughest times of my life. Through COVID, although I didn’t get COVID until 2022, I developed another illness called Anorexia Nervosa. I became anemic, and I was not eating enough to support my active lifestyle. During pandemics, the effects of other diseases can be amplified as attention is put on another pathogen. Smallpox infected many during the bubonic plague, but people were more focused on Yersinia pestis instead.

I also remember the shame I felt for having to join an outpatient program. The shame I felt didn’t even come from the pandemic itself, but in a way, COVID-19 lead me to develop Anorexia through my isolation. I felt like I made myself sick, I was embarrassed that I couldn’t stop counting calories, and that I was so consumed by my physical appearance. Shame is a big theme during pandemics like the plague where people were blamed for getting sick, and shame was instilled on the infected. My shame felt like it was self-inflicted. Like how people were blamed for their sickness through their sins, my need for control led to my mental illness, and I felt awful. This time in my life was a time for acceptance. My biggest challenge during COVID was never the virus itself, it was my own mental battles with Anorexia.

July 2021 – January 2022  

I learnt more about my mental illness, and how I could help heal my body through an outpatient program. I was able to meet for in-person therapy sessions and educational lessons on diet and body image. I was diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) which tied to my need to control my surroundings, and my intrusive thoughts about food. I started seeing a therapist separate from my outpatient program, and started medication to help me manage my thoughts. Things were finally turning around, the only noticeable COVID mandate was mask wearing, and I was to attend McMaster University the following academic year for Life Sciences. I put in the work, and just like the waves of the pandemic ebbed and flowed, my mental health ebbed and flowed as well, changing for the better.

Final Remarks  

COVID-19 was one of the hardest parts of my life. When I think back about my experiences, I feel sadness and grief, but I also feel proud of what I accomplished. I learnt so much about my body through the pandemic, and I am currently still in remission from my eating disorder. My COVID-19 story doesn’t involve much talk about the pandemic, as I was plagued with a different type of illness. I don’t regret my choices through the pandemic, as all my experiences shaped me into the person I am today. COVID-19 brought lots of sadness, hate, and hardship, but I do have COVID-19 to thank for my positive relationship with my body and mind today.