Every year I’d wait for Christmas in past,
Counting down the minutes till you are here.
Six months, five days, since I had seen you last,
Time is something that can just disappear.

Christmas, the time that I despise so much,
Seems to lighten the years you are present.
Pushing away my demons cut deep clutch,
The years you are gone are less than pleasant.

Time is greedy, I’ve watched as you grew up,
Saw your first steps now don’t know you at all.
You used to run and shriek like your dreamt pup,
All I’ve retained is socks four times too small.

Always remember don’t wait to grow, okay?
And that I love you still, each passing day.

Artist Statement

In my first year of undergraduate studies at McMaster University (while double majoring in Anthropology and History), certain setbacks during this time and being a disabled student made me realize how much more work truly needs to be done to the system designed to support disabled students. I wrote this frustrated with the system that seemed to work for everyone but me. I was inspired to create this poem because I would often lay in my dorm room alone, wondering who I could be or how much more I could be if I wasn’t neurodivergent – an exhausting experience day in and day out. I wanted to share with readers a part of my soul that yearns to be accepted and understood by everyone. I am a writer and an artist; and I want to understand the world despite being put down for both disclosing and not disclosing my disability throughout my life. So, I may as well make a statement.

I want people who are not disabled and have no concept of how much it takes and drains disabled people to do anything simply because everyone else (who is not disabled) can do it. I would also like non-disabled people to understand how long it takes (if ever) to have disabled people speak about their disability, especially in public. It is exhausting, and there will always be backlash and the fear that surrounds me as someone who is able to mask very well leads me to believe people will never look at me or treat me the same – let alone even believe me. It’s taken me a long time to get to this point, but I cannot seem to win either way (disclosing or not) so I may as well say something because it’s so damaging towards my journey in accepting myself as good enough to anyone else.