27 I was never meant to be. – Lauren-Sabina

I was never meant to be.

To be seen, and certainly not to be me.

People look me in the eye and stare straight through me,
Still, they miss me entirely though I beg and plea.

It is strange to be different, but not in an evident sense.
It’s okay to be different, but not if it gives you the upper fence.

I am different, but I’m not different enough.
In this world I am destined to fit the system that missed all these years right from the cuff.

Seventeen years old, dark brown hair and eyes,
Dimples stretch from my smile, and freckles dot my face by the sun’s rise.

But it’s all a disguise, it’s all just a rise,
For I am pretending to be someone in so many different eyes.

Did you know that I’m Headed off to university this fall, I’m graduating with honours.
With the weight of her mind, countless lies rest upon her.

I’m too smart to be autistic, and much too high functional.
But this secret I guard will never be punctual.

Everything I ask feels like a favour,
But I’m trying, I’m screaming, just to do the same labour

I go to hell with myself just to receive the same share,
And I’m looked and shut down because my advantages aren’t fair.

What is my advantage if not to feel guilty?
Of lying and trying to prove who I am and will be.

I tire of the facade, the deceit and the fighting,
How on earth does anyone claim to be inviting, igniting? For change in the future, and my generation when I debate my fear to put this in writing.

Disclosing my disability means I won’t get the position,
They tell me to just speak up but the reality is that that’s a formality,
and nobody listens.

I want to believe in the turn of the century,
Redirection of thought, but we are suppressed and silenced below the penitentiary.

Oh, I dream of a future that this world works to be proactive,
But accessibility education and sharing in any sense is far from attractive.

Does it matter if I identify myself as disabled?
I’ll either be a liar, put down, or enabled.

I’m damned if I do, and certainly damned if I don’t.
The odds are pre stacked against me, and I lose if I won’t.

I don’t know the rules to society’s game
They string me along, secret rules I can’t read in shame.

Does it really matter in the end?
I’m told I’m just dramatic, I pretend.

I went to war with myself, my mind, and doctors.
With the entire healthcare system, just to be told I’m a girl, so I must be an adopter.

Girls can’t be disabled, and girls will be looked past.
Unbelieved and sitting in shock when a man stares you down saying
“hey when was your period last?”

But boys will be boys, there’s no question about it.
Because boys will react and girls can only overreact over a double-binded bit.

Did you hear? A man slapped another human being on live national television,
Days later he’ll be scolded, cancelled and reluctantly put under strict supervision.

Oh, but a girl sipped her drink refusing to laugh,
At a sexist remark proving after everything she gave they still didn’t get it, not even after globe nominations chosen by their own privileged staff.

Cause she’s the one under fire for ruining these representations.

And I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t
This double bind threatens my every being, and so, I won’t.

Bridges are only barriers, in deceitful disguise,
They pretend to help you up, support your weight oh what fragile lies.

I survive in a world I wasn’t meant to be,
For if I identify as disabled, you would never agree.

If you don’t believe me, I’m afraid all of this progress was never meant to be.